Much contemplation has led me once again to a realization. This realization is one at which I have arrived in the past as well; many times. Sometimes I consider this realization to be positive and beneficial. Other times, it seems a burden upon my soul and conscience. It is, however, a conspicuous splotch of color on the portrait of my life.
The truth is that I am prone to communicating the thoughts and passions of my heart with much greater effect to a piece of paper than to a real person. I find myself frequently speaking with no small amount of uncharacteristic candor to the bleached sheets of arborous fiber in my journals. This practice can be good and helpful – it can also take the place of building trust in relationships with other people. Perhaps, my worst offense has been setting down thoughts so private that they should have remained covered by secrecy and lost in time.
Yet, there has been great good born of this practice of mapping my mind and emotions through words on a page. Were it not for this practice, many a fine epiphany would have been lost at sea, many moments of lucidity would have remained clouded, many weavings of personally relative (*laughs*) eloquence would have remained tarnished and buried. There stands one last positive benefit derived from this practice; it is the most important and the most enduring prize. I have prayed with a pen in hand on countless occasions. I have bowed before my Maker as my hand recorded the cursive ellipses of my cries to Him. I have drawn closer to God than I had previously thought possible. It is a joy to reread the struggles, the triumphs, the confusions, and the apprehensions of truth that came about from these times of communion.
Thus, I am thankful for the freedom of the pen. May its movements be continually redeemed just like the movements of our lives.
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I recently stumbled upon a prayer I wrote almost six years ago and thought that I would share it because I think it may actually be free of heresy ^_^ Six years was more than enough time for me to forget that this piece of writing existed and, as I was rereading the words, I found myself truly praying them back to God. This find provided some great perspective and reminded me of some important truths about our faith.
This is a verbatim duplication of what I wrote (pardon the...dust):
“Father, to you be the glory forever and ever, amen. You have created the world, your power and majesty extend throughout all reality – giving meaning, creating purpose, and providing hope to us imperfect souls on earth. I thank you that you have provided for me in your sovereignty and given me a place in your kingdom. Father, I praise you for how you care, not only for me, but for every person on this earth. You have created everything; nothing can match your glory or power and yet, you care for me. Though you hold this entire universe in the palm of your loving hand and can extinguish life with a wisp of your breath, you still sent your only Son to this dingy, grainy, humble planet – to die for our sins and to bring us instantaneous forgiveness for our iniquities.
Oh Lord, my God! When I consider all you have made and provided to me, a mere speck of dust sustained by your grace, my mind learns a new subject of incomprehension. I ask, “Why?!” Why me of little faith? Why me of slight strength? Why me of miniscule proportions? Father, why did you choose me?
Because of your grand, incomparable love, I stand in humble adoration and blissful awe at the great mystery of your salvation. Your forgiveness shines forth as a beacon on a hill, as a fire of impassioned liberty, piercing the cold hearts and minds of humanity with its soft, merciful rays of life – true life.
Father, I pray in this quiet moment that, as I consider the eternal ramifications of my faith and the immense temporal applicability, that I would be drawn anew to share in its brilliant vibrance. I pray that you would take my crusty, imperfect heart and continue to transform it into a heart like yours. Father...I pray in earnest sincerity to let your mind be in me; I pray from the depths of my being that Your light would shine through my life – thereby transforming my heart and the hearts of others on this earth.
Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Oh Lord, bless my efforts to draw near to you even as You draw near to me. Let me marvel in your grace, take comfort in your love, and believe with all my heart in your liberating hope. Amen.”
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